Wednesday May 29, 2013

11:08 am

So, I'm a little coward since everything everyone says is affecting me. I started a journal about my feelings and stuff.. I have to wait until (who knows.. Maybe December, perhaps May 2014) to get my mental health-care treatment.

I'm writing without grammar rules and proper punctuation :/ whatever.

In my journal I notice that I can't write like I used to... I really loved writing stuff and drawing mostly but, that's not me anymore. I want to do so many things at once but I can't, I'm stuck here alone depressed anxious :( I don't even know anymore... Yes, I have dreams but they're far from "getting real".

Omg I'm so stupid I was looking for my phone --' 11:15 am

Hot cakes... Sort of :/

Well, I was trying to make hot cakes yesterday but first I ruined the mix by pouring more milk than mix because the ones that made hot cakes the other day didn't measured the mix with a measuring cup, but oh well.. I had 3/4 cup of mix and 1 cup of milk so it turned out really liquid or watery.. Not good, so I decided to pour normal flour into the mix and turned out thicker but that caused that my hot cakes were thick enough to not cook properly, and I burned them :'/ so yeah, it was a mess.. May 27, 2013
time 10:25 am

Waking up

May 26, 2013 time: 11:34 am

Today I woke up feeling quite sick, headache, running nose or however you say it, dizziness etc.

I'm not feeling well since I'm not talking to almost no one, I'm going to write later today to see what happens.

Same thing every day..

May 25, 2013 time: 4:23 pm

I'm away from "home" it's been a month since I left, nobody cares.

I've been trying to be happy for my boyfriend since he told me he wanted space, fuck that shit I don't think it's gonna work like that so I keep talking to him, I try to be nice and romantic yet he's distant...

Every day is the same: I wake up, have some cereal or whatever is for breakfast, go to my room wait until everyone is awake.. Now is 3:00pm the internet must be on by now, oh.. It isn't... Gotta wait until they turn it on, lay in my bed, think, over-think stuff, cry.
5:00pm or something watch TV with my mother-in-law or brother-in-law... Nothing interesting gotta go to my room again, 9:00pm tired of being alone gotta go back to watch TV.. Everyone is on their phone, me too.. 11:00 pm charging my phone... Laying in bed. 2:00am can't sleep. 4:00am I guess falling asleep... (sometimes I don't even sleep, whatever) again next day:  8:00 am wake up, have breakfast...

Days are all the same and I'm getting anxious and I'm feeling weird since I completely stopped taking antidepressants, I stopped a long time ago but I took a pill or two sometimes because I can't help it

I feel hopeless and tired all the time it sucks... I'm not at home so, some days I try to be nice and clean the house or something but they don't appreciate it and that makes me sad and angry

This depression is taking over my life, everything feels heavy time stays still life is hard. I don't even have a job :(

It will never end..

I'm still crying every night.. It never ends :/ maybe there's something wrong with my brain or something because it doesn't matter how far I am from things that hurt me I will cry to sleep every day.

I am the problem, that's why anything works.. Antidepressants used to work pretty damn well, when I was on amitriptyline I didn't feel like shit.. I was sad on the inside but I couldn't cry and that was good for me because my eyes weren't sore anymore.

It's been almost 8-9 months since I stopped taking medicine like Prozac.. Now I wish I had one pill to feel normal :( this is getting out of hand, even my dreams are changing, I'm having nightmares but I CAN'T REMEMBER THEM!! :'( all I know is I wake up feeling sad, scared.. Shivering and sometimes feeling like throwing up :s but I haven't done it yet... I don't know what kind of dreams would put you into this situation but whatever..

Also, its been 14 days since I ran away from home.. I feel like the worst person in the world I swear :'/ but I didn't want to live there anymore I wanted freedom.. And many other things. Yesterday I received a text message from my mom, she said she loves me and she doesn't understand why I took this decision.. But I don't want to talk to her, I don't want to know anything regardless all the stuff she did for me according to everyone.. I just don't care :/

Yes, I wanted to die, but my attempts are weak because I do fear what's beyond death... But I still seek it and I don't think I'm doing it for attention I just can't explain.

I made this blog to let go things I wish I could scream :( its something that makes me feel better I guess..

I'm sure my depressions will never end and I will be like this until the end :(

Nightmare strikes back..

I know I haven't write anything but I tried to commit suicide again twice just this past January, it sucks 'cause I failed both times and I've been more depressed than usual... :(

01/09/2013

Hi everyone who actually reads my stuff here, so two days from now I'm like a "Sophomore" in my secretarial career and I'm not sure if I'm more excited or not, because I don't like to study to be honest and I didn't want to become a Secretary but things happen..

I know going to school will stop me (for a while, at least) to think about depression and my suicidal thoughts.. and yes, I still have them every night.  I am aware that getting busy on something is a HUGE help for me, like I said it makes my brain thinking about other things that aren't negative in it's majority :)

I did some things that aren't quite logical.. I guess I went nuts for the holidays!! I have SAD so I get depressed often on Christmas eve or so.  I erased my Twitter account, my  Facebook ( and opened another one) of course I erased the most friends I had, I rarely talk to someone.. I feel like no one is really there for me and they don't understand.

11:19p.m. My mother started to hit me and yell at me for the most STUPID things ughhh She's been like this since I was little and she would't pay attention to me so I don't really know nor do I care why is that behavior.. I just don't care anymore.

I was eager about going to school when I first started to write this post but now I'm just so angry.. Here comes the tears thanks mother I really appreciate the fact you make me cry with your stupidness >:(

I just noticed my paragraphs are too small, I sorry for my lack of effort writing this I'm really sorry but right now all I want is to write, it kind of helps me.

That's me in the bathroom of a Friday's restaurant, it's really good I went there last week, loved it..

k, bye.

Hi guys... yesterday my boyfriend left to his BCT, white-blue phase.. And I won't be able to talk to him for about 8 weeks straight! :/ I know it sucks, but seriously I can't do anything just hope for the best! Am I sad? of course!! and It'll get worse, eventually..

I'm depressed and this will bring me even deep in my sadness or whatever, don't listen to me lol it's 12:49 a.m. here and I'm just writing this to let go a little stress... So, that's all for today. bye!

struggling .. sort of.

hi guys, so yesterday was new years or whatever but it was a terrible day for me... :( 
I just can't stand myself you know? Like I know there's something wrong with me but anyway, we talked with my boyfriend about my depression and I told him everything that bothers me, this time he seemed more.. hmm.. interested? He promised me he'd be by my side no matter what.. You know, I have clothes, I have food, 2 cats, a "family", study etc.. But nothing seems to fulfill this "hole" I feel on my chest, nothing gets me exited anymore.. everything is either black or grey never white if that makes sense.

I don't know how to deal with this MDD anymore, I've done several test online to know if I have MDD or some mental disease and yes, I score 81 when the highest score was 53+ however, when I was going to the psychologist she suggested I could have MDD and now I'm pretty sure, my boyfriend studied to be a psychologist but then he dropped it to go to the army which I'm happy because he loves it :) but he said I should get hospitalized because I attempted suicide 8 times in the past since 2004! almost every year!!! and every night I keep on having suicidal thoughts and I'm always looking for new ways to do it, it's there in my head every day and night....

I don't know if I should get help :( what should I do?   

that's me in the picture.. I DON'T look happy but I don't look "sad" I'm lost.