I just can't stand myself you know? Like I know there's something wrong with me but anyway, we talked with my boyfriend about my depression and I told him everything that bothers me, this time he seemed more.. hmm.. interested? He promised me he'd be by my side no matter what.. You know, I have clothes, I have food, 2 cats, a "family", study etc.. But nothing seems to fulfill this "hole" I feel on my chest, nothing gets me exited anymore.. everything is either black or grey never white if that makes sense.
I don't know how to deal with this MDD anymore, I've done several test online to know if I have MDD or some mental disease and yes, I score 81 when the highest score was 53+ however, when I was going to the psychologist she suggested I could have MDD and now I'm pretty sure, my boyfriend studied to be a psychologist but then he dropped it to go to the army which I'm happy because he loves it :) but he said I should get hospitalized because I attempted suicide 8 times in the past since 2004! almost every year!!! and every night I keep on having suicidal thoughts and I'm always looking for new ways to do it, it's there in my head every day and night....
that's me in the picture.. I DON'T look happy but I don't look "sad" I'm lost.
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