01/09/2013

Hi everyone who actually reads my stuff here, so two days from now I'm like a "Sophomore" in my secretarial career and I'm not sure if I'm more excited or not, because I don't like to study to be honest and I didn't want to become a Secretary but things happen..

I know going to school will stop me (for a while, at least) to think about depression and my suicidal thoughts.. and yes, I still have them every night.  I am aware that getting busy on something is a HUGE help for me, like I said it makes my brain thinking about other things that aren't negative in it's majority :)

I did some things that aren't quite logical.. I guess I went nuts for the holidays!! I have SAD so I get depressed often on Christmas eve or so.  I erased my Twitter account, my  Facebook ( and opened another one) of course I erased the most friends I had, I rarely talk to someone.. I feel like no one is really there for me and they don't understand.

11:19p.m. My mother started to hit me and yell at me for the most STUPID things ughhh She's been like this since I was little and she would't pay attention to me so I don't really know nor do I care why is that behavior.. I just don't care anymore.

I was eager about going to school when I first started to write this post but now I'm just so angry.. Here comes the tears thanks mother I really appreciate the fact you make me cry with your stupidness >:(

I just noticed my paragraphs are too small, I sorry for my lack of effort writing this I'm really sorry but right now all I want is to write, it kind of helps me.

That's me in the bathroom of a Friday's restaurant, it's really good I went there last week, loved it..

k, bye.

Hi guys... yesterday my boyfriend left to his BCT, white-blue phase.. And I won't be able to talk to him for about 8 weeks straight! :/ I know it sucks, but seriously I can't do anything just hope for the best! Am I sad? of course!! and It'll get worse, eventually..

I'm depressed and this will bring me even deep in my sadness or whatever, don't listen to me lol it's 12:49 a.m. here and I'm just writing this to let go a little stress... So, that's all for today. bye!

struggling .. sort of.

hi guys, so yesterday was new years or whatever but it was a terrible day for me... :( 
I just can't stand myself you know? Like I know there's something wrong with me but anyway, we talked with my boyfriend about my depression and I told him everything that bothers me, this time he seemed more.. hmm.. interested? He promised me he'd be by my side no matter what.. You know, I have clothes, I have food, 2 cats, a "family", study etc.. But nothing seems to fulfill this "hole" I feel on my chest, nothing gets me exited anymore.. everything is either black or grey never white if that makes sense.

I don't know how to deal with this MDD anymore, I've done several test online to know if I have MDD or some mental disease and yes, I score 81 when the highest score was 53+ however, when I was going to the psychologist she suggested I could have MDD and now I'm pretty sure, my boyfriend studied to be a psychologist but then he dropped it to go to the army which I'm happy because he loves it :) but he said I should get hospitalized because I attempted suicide 8 times in the past since 2004! almost every year!!! and every night I keep on having suicidal thoughts and I'm always looking for new ways to do it, it's there in my head every day and night....

I don't know if I should get help :( what should I do?   

that's me in the picture.. I DON'T look happy but I don't look "sad" I'm lost.