hatred and suicide

Hi guys, I know no one knows or reads my blog but I use this as a gateway for my problems... So the reason why my title says "hatred and suicide" Is because I want to share with whoever reads this a story, my story.

I feel like I'm worthless, ugly, stupid and so on... I feel like I should kill myself because I don't belong here!!!!!!! I've made many mistakes I don't know why I'm still here, it all started when I was 8 or something like that... My mom used to have a really nice job BUT she would spend  all the money on her, like buy bags, shoes etc. You don't know how that hurt me deep inside, but I was a "good daughter" and didn't complained, If It wasn't for her selfish attitude I would've study in a real nice school, instead she put me in a cheap-ass school where I learned NOTHING.

Years passed by, and I started to secretly hate my family my mom the most of course.. my parents divorced when I was 2 and when I asked for my dad she told me that he was dead!!! Later I found him on fucking Facebook PLEASE?! Then again, the hatred against her grew and grew and grew... Instead of letting it go, the pain also grew and I started to feel sick physically and mentally as well. I started to tell lies to everybody even though it wasn't necessary I did, I told everyone the most stupid things you could ever imagine just to fit in or just because I wanted to lie, yeah I know it's stupid right?

When I was 15 my aunt died because of a heart disease, and like everyone else, I was devastated because she died 2 months before my birthday :( and that day everyone was sad and that kind of stuff.. The problems at home grew, at some point in my life I believe all this lies I was telling to everyone were true and after realizing that I knew I had a problem ( even now, I may have multiple personalities or some psychological problem) and I would cry every night trying to kill myself with painkillers or antidepressants or whatever pill there was at home, so I did, I drank all kind of pills with hope that would kill me but no, it made me seek into drugs and by the age of 16-17 I started to take drugs, at first marijuana then painkillers (again) then tried LSD...

At 17 I started to date an old man (37) and he threatened me and was really mean, even now he's looking for me to kill me because I left him, another long story and a REALLY stupid mistake I made..long story..

So, I became unaware of what was happening and had nightmares all the time, like a little kid, also I became a bitch at school.. I would yell at my teachers because I wanted and it got me expelled of 2 schools, but I'm glad because I hated them anyway!

at 18 my boyfriend (actual boyfriend) and I decided my problems were too big and he wanted me out of my house because of my failed attempts to commit suicide, and so we thought it was a good idea to have a baby and we tried but unfortunately our baby died when I was 4 months and a half pregnant, I went to the hospital because the baby got stuck on my Fallopian tube and broke it so that made me to bleed inside (internal hemorrhage) and I lost half of my blood so yeah, I almost die, I was 5 days at the hospital and when I came back to home my mom threatened me and yelled me so I ran away as always and went to my boyfriend's house..... long story

now I'm 19 and I still feel like this, every time, every day.... I'm always thinking how to kill myself because I'm not good, I'm not good enough to anyone and I need someone but I don't know, I feel alone :( If you made it and read the whole stuff please contact me or message me I need someone...